Pink Think: “My father was often angry when I was most like him. “ – Lillian Hellman
[Photo: my dad and me, last Father’s Day]
Kissing my father’s cheek reminds me of kissing my grandmother’s cheek when I was a little girl: soft, slack skin, smoother now in old age.
He and my mother have come for lunch to celebrate October birthdays at my house. At sixty eight, he walks slowly and has to have an oxygen tank, but his eyes twinkle like a little boy’s as he takes off his baseball cap.
“Look,” he says, pointing at the words on the cap. It reads, “If I had known grandchildren would be so fun, I’d have had them first.”
It’s really cute, and I know I’m supposed to laugh, but for some reason, it just makes me pause. Already, the wheels are churning in my mind. What is he saying about having ME?
Telling myself I am being ridiculous, I laugh at the joke. Dad moves past me to get kisses from my three children. He sits to listen to my oldest daughter play the piano. He compliments my son. He asks my youngest about school.
Sometimes, when I look at him, all mellow after these years, I think, “Who is this man?”
***
There was the dad from when I was a young girl. The one who let me stay up past midnight after a snack of rice with soy sauce and calamansi juice. The one who introduced me to old movies like “Beau Geste” which I liked even though the plot went way over my head. The one who wrote me pages upon pages of letters when I first came to America, which I keep in a box of treasured objects to this day.
And then there’s the dad whose temper meant that early on in my marriage, I would say something off the cuff, disagreeing with him, and he would storm out of our house. Then it would take months, an entire year, even, for him to talk to me again.
When I was helping my mom clean out some papers recently, I came across a card I had sent him for Father’s Day several forgotten years ago, telling him how I missed him and how I hoped he would talk to me again. And the pain from that time came back to me like it was just yesterday. I tossed it in the “to-save” pile, because to me it’s proof of how far we’ve come.
***
Today, he is all cheer, no traces of any rancor.
I credit that some to my kids. In the past, they’d usually been my secret weapon, the olive branch I’ve held out to my parents so my mom could prevail upon my dad to finally attend a child’s Important Occasion and break months-long silence.
I credit the change too, to the fact that in the last year, he’s been battling cancer.
***
About this time last year, he had to have surgery for a thymoma, or cancer of the thymus gland, a mass in his chest so advanced, its tendrils having already spread into his vital organs, that the doctor said it was one of the worst cases he had ever seen.
I remember distinctly that it was October, because I wondered if I should continue with my plan to participate in NaNoWriMo or National Novel Writing Month in November despite having to visit him a lot at the hospital. I participated, and though I was pressed for time, writing my novel gave me an escape from my worries.
I’m not glad that he got cancer, but I’m glad for what it did to our relationship.
It’s a little bit of a cycle, I’m sure. As I’ve spent more time with him over the last year, my heart has softened and let go of any past hurts. I am more patient and more respectful of him. In turn, he has been a kinder and gentler person, not as quick to anger and more appreciative of people, like his grandchildren…and yes, even me.
It’s still not perfect. There are some days when I have to grit my teeth when he tells me, no, orders me to do something because, darn it, he’s dying!
But it’s infinitely better.
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What a beautiful post. I marvel at the way my relationship with my parents – and how I view them – changes the older I get. I’m sure one day when I have kids of my own, these changes will be even more pronounced. I’m glad you’re able to cherish this time with your father now.
Hi Jewel – my relationship with my father changed as he got older and sicker, too. He died last year.
My dad says I’m so much like him it’s disgusting. We drive the rest of our family nuts.
Pink, that’s such a beautiful picture of you and your dad, and I love the words to gave us along with it. Very poignant and touching, especially since my dad struggles with his own health issues. I very much know where you’re coming from.
i grew up without grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins. And even now, they’ve never been a part of my life, so treasure what you have for as long or short as you have. In many ways, i’m envious of you… even when you’re being ordered around 🙂
Isn’t it interesting how our relationships with our parents change as the years go by.
I used to have a great relationship with my mother, but as we both got older, I ended up becoming more of the mother. Drives me crazy sometimes. But I still value her and learn from every interaction. It is so great that you are getting along better with your dad.
An incredible post.
The cycle can be unnerving. My hubby and I are now trying to figure out how to extend our home in order to build a “parent” suite that we are sure one set is going to need sooner than later.
How do we end up being the adults? I’m not ready yet!!
Em
Hi Jewel – Such a moving post. Your love for your dad is obvious. I envy you as my parents are both gone now. I miss those special moments, and although there’s nothing I can to to get them back, the memories are ever so precious.
Cherish each and every moment you have with your parents. You’re a lucky girl.
Coming from someone who just lost her father, I submit that you will never regret the times you grit your teeth. Just the times you don’t. Keep smiling.
Sounds like although the body might sick, the soul isn’t. I’m glad that you are having the opportunity to heal old wounds and make some great memories.
Very moving post, Jewel, the only thing I can think of to say is ‘bittersweet’.
Hey Jewel…I so love the picture. I didn’t know my dad while I was growing up but in my adult life I have gotten to know him. I did forgive and have allowed him into my heart. He just recently battled cancer and is still fighting the aftermath. It is hard. Absorb all your days with him.
What a beautiful tribute to your dad and your evolving relationship. Isn’t it a wonder, how things improve with age, and then we wonder how different life may have been if we’d had that love and acceptance early on? Maybe we appreciate it more for having had the drought!
Rachel: Thanks. My relationship with my parents has certainly changed with my having kids.
Robin: I’m sorry about your dad. Hope you had some peace in his last days.
Q: I think that’s why my dad and I butt heads a lot 🙂
Janna: Thanks Janna. Yeah, it’s interesting how, as my parents age, I find myself re-examining how I feel about them.
Rukia: I hardly knew my grandparents, too, just a rare visit here and there and then I moved away. Yeah, I’m glad for any moment I can get right now.
Stephanie: It’s like an intricate balance, isn’t it, learning to let your parents age gracefully and on their own terms?
Em: Thanks. How generous of you to open your home. I wonder about the same issues myself, when our parents are not able to care for themselves anymore.
Thanks, Barbara. I will. 🙂
Melanie: I’m so sorry about your dad. Yes, grit is good; I will.
Heather: Irony of his illness is that I think we’re all the better for it in many ways.
Ray: Thank you :-).
Tammy: Wow Tammy, that’s sad, but it’s neat that you are able to spend time with him now. Good luck to you and your family.
Ritergal: Thanks for stopping here:-). I used to think that I missed out on some things as a child, but truth is, I wouldn’t be who I am today without my past. Best thing I can do is to learn from it and move on.
Hi, Jewel, my dad passed away years ago. He had cancer, too. I understand what you are saying here. I was the same way. I was not grateful for the cancer, but I was grateful for the new perspective on life it brought. Hang in there. Someday when you look back you will be thankful you grit your teeth.
Thanks for this touching post.
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Hi, Jewel– the last comment by “Belle” is actually by me 🙂 I forgot I was logged in to my other e-mail account 🙂 Sorry 🙁
Hi Marivic. Thanks for your comment. 🙂 I remember your moving post about losing your dad to cancer. I loved that one.
Enjoy every single moment you have with your dad.
It will be the best thing you’ve ever did.
Trust me.
This was a moving post – captures the paradoxes of our relationships.
This was an amazing post. It’s so hard to express the emotions of a past childhood, a present adulthood and the way that our parents have shaped both. But you’ve done it brilliantly. I can imagine that for you it’s so urgent to remember the feeling and experience of every interaction with him.
Thank you so much for submitting your post!
I’m glad your able to enjoy your time with your dad right now. We all have family relationships in our past that don’t bring pleasant memories to mind. Living in the present with him and enjoying your time is so important. It’s amazing how bringing grandchildren into the picture really changes things. I’m glad they have their grandfather to enjoy.
I saw this quote in a magazine recently and I loved it.
“May moments of grace always fill our home to surprise our hearts, gladden our days, to bring our family together.”
God Bless You,
Joy
Very beautiful post. I know that it’s possible for me to be in the same situation later that you are in right now so thank you for sharing.
What a very moving post. It brought many emotions to the surface for me. I have not spoken to my father since before my youngest son was born. He is 8 years old now. I move through the world as if there is no fracture. As if his absence from my life has no impact on me. It’s a lie. The pain in right there below the surface and probably always will be.
Wow. Thank you for sharing this.
My late mother-in-law once told me how she was grateful for the relationship her kids had with their grandfather, but that at times she wanted to shout, “This is not the man I grew up with!”
I can see it even with my own son at 18 months old. It seems like even though it is very weird, it is pretty much a universal phenomenon.
Georgie: Thanks. I will. 🙂
Ladyfi: Welcome! Yes, *paradox* is a good word. 🙂
BPOTW: Thanks for linking my submission and for coming by! Although it has been painful to revisit the past, it’s been gratifying to put into words the feelings that I have for my father.
Joy: Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Lisa: Welcome! I’m glad to be in this *situation* of second chances right now.
Dessa: Your comment moved me to tears. I’m sorry; I hope someday things get better between you and your dad.
Oh: Hi there. 🙂 Yes, grandkids sure change the dynamics of things, don’t they?