Pink Think: “I can’t say it’s not painful being estranged from most of my family. I wish it could be otherwise.” – LaToya Jackson
Even as I revel in my family’s grand reunion, I can’t help but feel nervous about my parents and us siblings coming together again. I came to the United States in 1987 with my mother and never left (my father followed years later, and my brother and sister stayed behind in the Philippines) and I feel like we are all strangers, trying to reconnect after all these years and distance.
In 1991, my senior year in college, I wrote an essay summing up how I felt about being a long-distance family. Here is an excerpt.
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I came to the United States from the Philippines four and a half years ago to study in an American university. Going home periodically would have been ideal, but my family just couldn’t afford it. As graduation looms ahead in June, I look back at the time I’ve not spent with my father and siblings.
When I first arrived in the U.S., I talked to my dad every week, talking to him like he was just in the other room. Letter-writing came easy. There were new sounds, smells, tastes, sights which I would impatiently scribble onto my stationery. “Dear Daddy, I walked on a Hollywood star today…” We laughed as I recounted my adventures. Dad doled out welcome advice.
Homesickness struck me hard six months or so into my stay. The good memories of family (for aren’t they all good when one reminisces?) and of the Philippines lingered in my mind, like live snapshots of a particular moment that touched my soul: rainy afternoons standing under a canopy with my parents, meals at family parties, a walk along a mountain road in the fog at Baguio, midnight card games with my father and brother.
Today, letter-writing has trickled to once a month, once a season. Phone calls have become less frequent. Now I call my family once a month for half an hour. How does a hug translate into words? How do I describe the pathos that rage in my heart through a faulty phone connection, or through the lost momentum of long-distance letter-writing? There’s nothing to replace the warmth of togetherness, the sharing of daily trivialities. Months until the next holiday is one thing, but years, decades?
Thing is, not spending important occasions has gotten easier through the years. What I’m really scared of isn’t the distance, it’s not the pain. It’s the forgetting. It’s the slow slide into indifference. I do not wish to become strangers with my family, yet it seems more real each day, as I grow up and leave behind a concept of me they have been holding on to all these years, like a stale yearbook photo.
I grieve for the family that I have, but do not know.
***
Well, things are as they are. My family has spent years being apart, and we have lived separate lives.
It seems really hard, if not impossible, to catch up in just a matter of two weeks. It’s like a crash course in family togetherness. Conversations are a little awkward, but when we poke around long enough…
…love is there, and affection, with a desire to reconnect. My kids are beginning to warm up to their newly-met relatives. My sister and I are even laughing over shared memories. We’re trying, and it shows.
I’m grateful for second chances.
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I totally understand what you are saying. My brothers and sisters all immigrated to the US a year ago. I’ve lived apart from them for over 20 years, and except for a couple of visits to the Philippines, e-mails and phone calls no real relationship. But somehow after a few awkward days after their arrival it all came back and fell into place.
Enjoy this time with them.
My family isn’t in the Philippines, but we’re certainly scattered all over the place.
This post broke my heart! I am glad that you have this chance to be together. I hope it all goes well!
your essay made me cry. 🙁 I’m glad you are having a second shot at it all too.
Beautiful excerpt, Pink. I think you’ve captured well the feelings one can associate with the distance created by, well, distance.
I pray your family will come together with an ease and comfort that will make those years of separation melt away.
I’m glad your family is at least trying. Nothing can change the past or how your family is, but the fact that you’re all willing and THERE speaks volumes.
I’m pretty close with my immediate family, but not my father. I don’t see my extended family, cousins much. We get together once in a while, but we don’t really “know” each other. It’s sad, so as mentioned, you guys are at least trying and that’s what is important
Jewel,
That was powerful. Thanks for sharing.
I’m sure it’ll all come back to you. 🙂
Hi Jewel – Most of my family has passed away, so when I hear about someone reuniting it always makes me hopeful. Take time to create good memories that will last a lifetime. And…take lots of pictures.
Marivic: Our stories sound so similar!
Q: Come to think of it, even my hubby’s siblings live far from us.
McCrazys: Thanks for stopping by! I hope it goes well, too :-).
Heather: Thanks. 🙂
Janna: Thank you. 🙂
Melanie: Yeah, it’s not very productive wishing for what-could-have-beens.
Natural: Takes some effort, doesn’t it?
Shanna: Hi, how’ve you been? And thanks :-).
Barbara: I have been taking pictures like crazy and we are having lots of fun catching up so far 🙂
Oh, I am so excited for you and nervous. I am so glad that you are going to be given the opportunity to be together. I am sure it will go well. The past is gone…you have today.
I understand exactly what you are saying. My relationship with my brother is very similar. We only live 4 hours or so apart but our lives are very different and we tend to only see one another at major family holidays. Things always seem a bit uncomfortable when we first meet up again. But, your right. There underneath it all is a love that endures. Our spirits recognize one another and always will.
Tammy: Yes, we need to enjoy Today!
Dessa: Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I have a similar relationship with my brother, too, and we try to keep things light…but I know there’s love there underneath the surface 🙂