Pink Think: “Women may not have it easy, but we are given a fairer chance to reach for the top.” -Jessica Savitch, journalist
Recently, my husband told me one of his co-workers’ husband quit his job. The wife complained, “All he does is stay home and sit at the computer all day.”
I looked at Drew and said, “Um, that’s what I do.” (I am a stay-at-home mom who writes.)
“That’s different,” he said. “We have kids.”
If I were a male writer, and he was my wife, would he feel differently?
***
As a young girl growing up in the Philippines, I aspired to be a career woman first and foremost, and, if I were so lucky, to be a mother as well. I had a working mom; she taught business math for several years before working as a manager for a government agency. Most households, like ours, had nannies. (At least in the city, and lest you think we were rich, we weren’t. Labor was cheap.)
I didn’t even consider being a “stay-at-home mom” as an option.
And then I met Drew, and we married. We pulled up stakes from Utah and moved to Colorado for him to go to veterinary school. We waited to have children three years into our marriage, during which I enjoyed a brief stint in marketing.
The last day I worked outside the home was October 2, 1995, the day before my oldest child, Sierra, was born.
***
For the most part, I have loved being a stay-at-home mom. I admit, there are times when I think I could be earning lots of money by now and the adulation of the world, but I honestly don’t know how I could do it and still stay sane (not to mention stay married and not have juvenile delinquents for kids).
I’ve kept myself involved in writing by freelancing for newspapers, and then being a correspondent for Filipino-American publications like Filipinas Magazine. The amount I earn is nice play money, but hardly makes a ripple in our income.
I’ve suggested to Drew that now the kids are in school all day, I should get a higher-paying job outside the home. But, as he points out, what job will let you take time off whenever you want, and still pay you well to make the effort worth it? (If you know of one, let me know.)
Writing is a good fit, he assures me.
***
Which leads me back to that conversation with Drew.
If I were a male writer, would my in-laws smile and pat me on the back when I tell them that I am looking for an agent for my yet unpublished book, or would they snarl that it is about time I pull my weight and contribute to the family income?
Would I encourage my husband if he were to tell me he is quitting his full-time job and is pursuing his dream to write a novel and could I please get a job, or would I have a heart attack?
I have a male friend who tried to make a go of a writing career for a few years, while his wife worked as a nurse, but eventually had to return to a 9-5 job.
I know of many men who work full-time and get up early or stay up late to write on the side. John Bytheway and Jack Weyland (earlier in their careers) come to mind. Nicholas Sparks had to do that for several years.
I personally know of very few who become successful enough as writers, they can pursue their writing full time. James Dashner is one of them, and more power to him!
***
When women complain about equal opportunities, perhaps they should be grateful for different expectations.
That’s just my humble opinion, of course, as a female writer. What do YOU think?
Follow
Jewel, very interesting thoughts. Our society probably still has a lot of old school thinking when it comes to men at home versus women at home. I don’t know the answer.
My wife stays at home and always has because she feels strongly about it. It’s her decision. Thankfully she loves kids and raising them. Whew!
As for me, I realize I’m the luckiest schmoe on the planet to be able to do what I love for a living.
Thanks for hanging at my blog!
When i get married, I would like to wait for a few years to have children so that my husband and I can be financially prepared to support them.
Hi Jewel – thanks for coming to visit my blog! As someone who has had the “corporate Account Exec job” (with the high salary and LOADS of stress), and has stayed home with the kids, and now has the best of BOTH worlds (I’m a self employed entrepreneur, I can tell you there is NO perfect situation. No matter what you do, it always seems the grass MIGHT JUST be greener on the other side. And we women are so hard on ourselves…. which is such a shame.
Finally, at the age of 40 (almost 41) I’ve come to see that life (and motherhood) is full of “seasons”, and it’s so important to be flexible and ENJOY each seaon in your children’s lives and in your OWN life as well.
So, that’s my 2 cents.
Oh, and I LOVE your blog name! It reminds me of the Dr. Seuss book about the Yink who liked to drink Pink Ink… 🙂
Take care!
-HWHL
I definitely miss staying home with my kids. That’s my preference.
I agree with HWHL’s comment. One of my favorite quotes (inronically enough hung at my old job’s desk) is “The greener grass on the other side is probably articifical turf.”
my situation is a little different. My hubby and i have been married for 5-6 years, and we have not been blessed with children yet. James is the one with YEARS of managment experience, and can bring in the higher income, so we have moved where work is available for Him. That’s made it difficult for me in the “job” world–having to leave jobs to find new ones in areas that may not be set-up to my strengths. meanwhile, i’m preparing with some things i can do on my own as a future-mom, but even that takes time and it puts the strain on us while i don’t have a “paying” job. But (again) like HWHL said, there is no perfect solution. Every shade of green has its own weeds.
James: Thanks for stopping by! You are very lucky to have your wife. She sounds wonderful.
Q: It’s a personal decision, of course, but I think that’s a good idea. Not only financially but also emotionally. I’m glad we did. That being said, having kids (like getting married) is like taking a leap of faith, and you never feel totally prepared!
Happywife: Welcome! Yes, it is all about “seasons” isn’t it? I have come to a point in my life when I feel like I am coming again to my own. Sometimes I feel like a different woman altogether than the Jewel just even two years ago. As my kids grow, I look back with fondness at how small they used to be, but I am also EXCITED at their progress through life.
I actually was thinking of Dr. Seuss when I named my blog! 🙂
Serena: I know I am blessed to be able to choose to stay home, or work outside the home. Who knows, maybe you can, too, if the right opportunity comes along? Good luck to you!
Paulette: You’re right. We have to be careful what we wish for. I have to fight off the urge to think “the grass is greener…” coz it very well may not!
And even if it is, so what? Takes some doing, but it may mean we aren’t fully appreciating the good things in our life.
You make a good point. Some of my in-laws have read some of my books, and while they smile and nod and say how ‘nice’ they are, if I quit my good job (surgical technologist) they’d verbally skewer me. But not to my face.
Honestly, I’d be thrilled to earn enough with my writing for my wife to quit her job. We have great kids, and they deserve a stay-at-home mom. And as for my writing, I’ve written ten books in three years, and dutifully subbed the crap out of them, so, I’d be fine if I had to keep working.
You have quite a tidy little blog here, Ms. Ink. I’m gonna blogroll you.
Ah, the limitations traditional gender roles put on BOTH genders!
Heaven forbid that a MAN should stay at home to work and watch children while a woman leaves home to have a career! Gasp!
It sounds to me that the real problem your friends are having is one of thinking outside the box — and possibly also miscommunication. Did the woman not understand what her husband’s being a full-time writer involved? If not, then they need to have a chat NOW before it starts being a problem in their marriage.
And if they can stop being bound up by 1950s thoughts that every woman must be Donna Reed and every man must do the Father Knows Best bit, then why can’t she have the outside job while he writes?
I’ve seen this work in non-writing families –EVEN MORMON FAMILIES — if they can get past the ridiculous gender limitations. I have a former student who married a construction worker with minimal education. They had four kids very fast and had little money because his work was seasonal and they had no insurance. He griped all the time because the house wasn’t spotless. Finally, they allowed common sense to override tradition. She went to work and he became a stay at home dad. She got a job with insurance that paid for her to finish her BA (she’s now begun her masters) and he learned that “clean house” and “four kids” don’t go together.
Now, neither of them is a writer, but the principle is the same.
Sexism and those awful, outdated gender roles are just as bad for men as they are for women. Look at what we do to men: big boys don’t cry (so they never get the emotional release women do — and then we wonder why there are more men in prison and more men with anger management issues), boys don’t like dance or sewing or baking (so, if you are male and like those things, then you learn shame and guilt merely for your interests), women should be the primary childrearers (so we cheat dads out of bonding time and then wonder why more men are child abusers).
Nasty stuff, isn’t it?
Well, I hope your friends can work out their issues and not rip their relationship apart.
I’m not married now, so I have to support myself in whatever way I choose. Since writing doesn’t pay the bills for me, that means it must be my “second job.” But this was true even when I was married. I pulled my fair share of the pay load always — and writing was done whenever I could squeeze it in.
Partners have to work out what’s best for them in their own circumstances. But if they limit themselves by outdated gender roles, then everybody loses.
Big plain v: Welcome!
*I’ve written ten books in three years*
Wow, at that rate, you have a very promising future.
Paperback writer: Actually, my friend’s wife was very supportive of his career decision. I don’t know any details of why he went back to work, but I would guess it’s because they needed the income that writing was not providing.
I agree, I think both spouses have to be flexible about doing what it takes to provide for the family. I know of several female veterinarians who work while their husband is the one who stays at home. Quite common, in fact.
Ya I’m with you. Different expectations have enabled me to stay at home with my young kids and follow a career in writing.
I hope to add the word ‘lucrative’ to that sentence one day.
I’m pitching my first novel and working on trying to settle on WIP #2 at the moment. But I will be returning to nursing next month on a casual basis to add to the family income.
Sigh.
Thanks for coming round my place, you are officially invited back.
Elizabeth, also a lover of pink
Welcome, Elizabeth. 🙂
*I hope to add the word “lucrative” to that sentence one day*
Me, too!
And good luck with your novels and going back to work. Nursing seems like a good field to be in where you can earn well for hours that you can choose.
Hi! Sure have a lot of readers! Thanks for visiting my blog. I sure wish I could stay home now – but I was able to be home while my children were home…have a good one.
g. parker: Thanks for stopping by! That’s great you could stay at home even for a short while.
Interesting points, and I’d never thought of this. I think you’re right… men wouldn’t be thought of the same, because they’re traditionally the ones who “go out” to work and be the breadwinners. When we, as SAHMs, focus on our writing, I’d bet those outside looking in view it as our “second” job, inferior to that of raising our children. That’s why we’re more easily “allowed” to do it, maybe.
And kudos to your stay-at-home momness. 🙂
Janna: Great for you, you can now pursue your writing, too. 🙂